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Han: Tell me again what we’re doing here?

Leia: We agreed to watch some movie trailers for December releases.

Han: What is a movie trailer? What’s December? I don’t know what you’re talking about.

Rey: A movie trailer is a short video made to entice you to watch a movie, which is a two-hour story acted out on screen. And December is one Earth-month.

Han: I like this girl.

Finn: She’s all right.

Editor’s Note: In an effort to keep Quirk E. Cat from knocking items off our desks, we have assigned him to Advice Column duty. We apologize in advance.

This week is Jane Austen’s birthday (she’ll be turning 241, happy birthday, Jane!) and to celebrate, we’re imagining how some of her most beloved characters might make use of one of our more Austenian modern conveniences: the Missed Connections boards on Craigslist. What if, instead of being forced to stoically endure their tumultuous feelings, Jane Austen’s characters were able to empty their hearts out onto the internet? Below we imagine what some of their posts may have looked like.

[Photo by Oxana Lyashenko on Unsplash]

It’s time for the drawing. “Now, let us begin, or we shall be here all day,” Rabbit says as he crosses to the glass ball with all the names, each roughly scrawled in crayon. Rabbit reaches in, digs his hand deep into the ball with a great rustling and bustling and pulls out a slip of paper.

“Let it not be me,” Winnie-the-Pooh says deep inside his fluff-filled head. “Think it over, think it under. Think it true. It’s not me. It’s not me.”

Most of us adore the holidays and attending or hosting the parties that come along with them, but face it: there’s always a bit of anxiety over the guest list. Will your crush show up and stand underneath the mistletoe with you, or will you be stuck chatting with an obnoxious coworker at the punch bowl? Maybe it’s just better to sit the whole thing out…

In that spirit, we’ve found five fictional characters who won’t attend your holiday soiree…for better or for worse.

Hot cocoa may not be able to heal the world or fix its problems, but it is delicious enough to be momentarily comforting. (Pro hot chocolate tip: try dark chocolate hot cocoa with a churro for stirring—the sugar from the churro sweetens it just enough and is even more tasty soaked with chocolate.)

We're offering hot cocoa to these fictional characters who deserve a bit (or a ton) of cocoa comfort.