Speaking In Terms At Frankenstein’s Support Group For Misunderstood Monsters

 

Wednesday, 8pm. Unitarian Church basement.

 

FRANKENSTEIN: Does anyone have any issues they would like to bring up?

 

DRACULA: Ah, yes. I have something. It is…about language.

 

BABA YAGA: This ought to be good.

 

FRANKENSTEIN: Baba Yaga, please. This important to Dracula, so this important to all of us. Please, continue.

 

DRACULA: Thank you. I…ah…I try to keep up on the terms, but some of them are just confusing to me.

 

BABA YAGA: Oh, yeah. This is totally worth our time.

 

DRACULA: Ahem! For example, I know Myriad over there likes to use the pronoun “they.”

 

MYRIAD: What of it?

 

DRACULA: It’s just a little confusing, don’t you think?

 

MYRIAD: Considering we are sentient swarm of locusts, we are not certain another pronoun would be suitable.

 

DRACULA: What about Gelatinax, then? There’s only one of him—excuse me, them.

 

GELATINAX: No…genitals.

 

DRACULA: I don’t see how—

 

BABA YAGA: I take it back, this IS a fascinating topic.

 

GELATINAX: No…genitals. No…gender. Just…blob.

 

BABA YAGA: They’ve got you there. Just blob.

 

DRACULA: But surely “he” would be just fine.

 

GELATINAX: No…genitals.

 

DRACULA: Yes, yes, but—

 

GELATINAX: Just…blob.

 

BABA YAGA: Just blob, Dracula! Just blob!

 

FRANKENSTEIN: If I could circle back a bit—

 

BABA YAGA: Just blob, Bront!

 

FRANKENSTEIN: I think Dracula has brought up a very interesting point. We all have specific terms and grammar we like to use to describe ourselves, which everyone else might not be aware of. Why don’t we go around the room. Dracula, we’ll start with you. What term do you wish people used to describe you, but haven’t?

 

DRACULA: Well, ah, since you’ve put me on the spot, well, I’ve heard people refer to my wives and I as a “pack.” Vampires do not have “packs.” A group of vampires is called a “sanquine,” thank you very much.

 

IMHOTEP: If I may go next, “mummy” is a slur. Do not use it. Certainly do not use it when referring to me.

 

DRACULA: Then what are we suppose to call you?

 

IMHOTEP: My name.

 

FRANKENSTEIN: Thank you, Prince Imhotep. That’s a very important point. Anyone else?

 

LOBSTAR: I’m not going to name any names, but a few of the monsters here have referred to my giant claw here as a “deformity.” While I didn’t ask for the science-experiment-gone-wrong that grafted my DNA with lobster, this claw is not a deformity. It is a part of me. I am differently-appendaged, but that doesn’t make me less of person.

 

MYRIAD: All of us are female. We feel that is frequently overlooked.

 

LORD ZYNN: On my home planet of Clongo, there are 16 genders. While I many assume me to be “male,” I am in fact “glingshlact,” of which there is no Earth equivalent. Kneel before Zynn.

 

FRANKENSTEIN: Um, Zynn…

 

LORD ZYNN: Oh, God, did I say “Kneel before Zynn,” again? I’m sorry, it just slipped out. It’s a verbal tic.

 

FRANKENSTEIN: Of course. Baba Yaga, is there anything you wish others said about you?

 

BABA YAGA: Yes, if you could all refer to me as “The Queen of Everything,” from here on out, that’d be great.

 

FRANKENSTEIN: Baba Yaga…

 

IMHOTEP: I have no problem with this.

 

MYRIAD: If that’s what you want to be called, we don’t have an issue.

 

GELATINAX: No…problem.

 

LOBSTAR: Let me just update the contacts on my phone.

 

BABA YAGA: Nevermind. It’s no fun if it doesn’t bother you.