New Year’s Resolutions for Literary Characters

It is that fairytale time of year; as soon as the clock strikes midnight on New Year’s Eve, we magically expect to become better people. Some people have long list of resolutions that they believe will finally happen this year. Some people have no resolutions at all. In case our favorite book characters fall into the latter category, we have come up with a few ideas for them.

George Wickham from Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen

We know you love the playa lifestyle, but we think it is time to stop. It is a violation of bro code to run off with your best friend’s little sister, and it is hardly gentlemanly to flirt with one girl and then marry her sister (after much coercing). It is bad enough that you break hearts, but leave sibling relationships well enough alone. Also, it is time to drop that gambling thing. Just settle down and become a nice family man. Who has a very good financial advisor.

Becky Sharp from Vanity Fair by William Makepeace Thackeray

We understand a girl’s got ambitions, but we think you may take it a tad too far. We get it; it is terrible to feel like an outsider looking in, but it is no excuse for using men and possibly committing murder. You have an awesome voice; we think you should make a pop album. That is the way to win money and friends. It worked for Taylor Swift, so it should definitely work for you.

Anne Shirley from Anne of Green Gables by Lucy Maud Montgomery

Oh, Anne. We too know the siren call of a new hair color, but we recommend going to a hair salon instead of buying it from a sketchy roadside vendor. You are practically begging for hair that matches your Christmas tree when you do that. Please ask around your town for a good hairstylist. Also, please stop being mean to Gilbert Blythe. He is a good guy underneath it all.

Sebastian Flyte from Brideshead Revisited by Evelyn Waugh

We love a good teddy bear as much as the next person, but we definitely recommend you ditch Aloysius. While we enjoy your talking to and for him, we think it gets a little creepy past elementary school age. It most certainly is not helping your game now that you are in university.  

Laura Wingfield from The Glass Menagerie by Tennessee Williams

We have a similar resolution for you that we had for Sebastian; you need to get rid of the glass animals. We love unicorns as much as you do, but there is a point where they can’t be your only hobby. Instead of pining after your brother’s friends and staring at inanimate objects, get out of the house and go to a few parties. We are sure you will meet some gentlemen callers that way.

Ignatius J. Riley from A Confederacy of Dunces by John Kennedy Toole

Pop culture is not the devil that you think it is; it is actually awesome. We recommend you take a break from Boethius and watch a few episodes of Jessica Jones or Master of None. We promise you will be hooked. Also, two words: Weight Watchers.