Literary Lovers to Avoid This Valentine’s Day

We’re not saying these characters are all bad people. But are they relationship material? Maybe not. Check out their track records when it comes to love. Trust us, you’ll want to steer clear of these types. If you’re dating one, it may be time to reevaluate.

Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde

Besides the fact that his name is used everywhere when discussing people who seem to have multiple personalities, Jekyll just isn’t that great of a lover, period. In the original 1886 novella by Robert Louis Stevenson, Jekyll didn’t have a fiancée, but in the newer versions he does, and she’s pretty much invisible. His work takes precedence always. We get that his experiments are in the name of good, but man, Jekyll. Pay a little attention to your better half. And while Hyde is straight up bad news, Jekyll’s inward battle is just as sketchy. He seems like a moral, upstanding citizen—he even does charity work—but he’s pretty mixed up inside. And seriously, if all that doesn’t keep you away, there is the whole murder thing.

If you date a Jekyll/Hyde: If your S.O. says one thing and then does another, ignores you, or has murdered anyone, you should think about taking some time to figure out who you are and what makes you happy. You’re worth it. Don’t wait around for someone who is unappreciative.

Frank and April Wheeler

These two have their own issues, but put them together and…wow. The whole book is about not being where you want to be in life, and Frank and April know how to dig in the knives. The constant fighting, the crazed laughter where it doesn’t belong, that scene where Frank bangs the hood of the car so hard we feel it in our souls? Let their track records prove you shouldn’t get involved with either one of them romantically—even if they’re probably better with other people, there’s bound to be baggage.

If you date a Frank or April: You’re better off splitting ways. Blaming each other for being stuck in life is incredibly detrimental to your well-being. Go be single. Oh, and visit Paris.

Daisy Buchanan

Take it from Jay Gatsby. Nothing was ever good enough for Daisy. Poor Jay spends all his time and money trying to win back Daisy after she marries Tom Buchanan. Despite rooting for them to be together, it’s hard not to be like, Jay, oh honey, no. You can totally get someone who isn’t careless and constantly bored! Money isn’t everything!

If you date a Daisy: You may think your lover represents all the things you want out of life, but look again. You’ll find he/she may fall short. Don’t waste your time trying to win someone over who is only in it for themselves.

Ignatius J. Reilly

Note: Nick Offerman as Ignatius (aka the greatest thing ever) in a theatre adaption of A Confederacy of Dunces. Boston University Theatre, Nov. 18 – Dec. 20, 2015.

We’re not sure anyone can handle Ignatius for a long period of time. Saying he’s lazy is an understatement. When his mother crashes her Plymouth and he’s forced to get a job, we never hear the end of it. It’s not like you can go with him to the movies—he’ll shout about how terrible everything is. But he’ll still want to go every single night. And there’s all that complaining about his valve. The only way to get involved with this behemoth is to be equally obnoxious and opinionated.

If you date an Ignatius: You’d better be a Myrna.