How Do You Know When It’s Time to Break Up with Your Literary Boyfriend?

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Do you find yourself speaking in a British accent when it’s not your native dialect? Do you find yourself gazing out of your 4th story window longing for your love to ride up to your doorstep on his faithful steed with a bouquet of roses in hand? Do you find yourself chain smoking Marlboros just to have the scent linger on your clothes because you’re pining for your man? If you have answered yes to any of the above, then you my friend, need to put down the novel.

Mr. Darcy, the original Darcy

If you’re trying to get your real boyfriend (who is moody and aloof) to be generous and a selfless romantic, well ladies, that only exists in the minds of the author, who too, wished the same as you and created a character to fulfill her expectations. It’s time to appreciate your man for who he is and have pride in him…unless he’s prejudice…then it’s time to dump him.

Mark Darcy, really? All the other last names were taken?

As if crushing on the original Mr. Darcy from Pride and Prejudice was not enough, along comes the handsomely aloof and arrogant, but deep down inside good-hearted, Mark Darcy who will fight for you, no matter how uncoordinated and awful it may look to others. Plus, it’s awfully confusing to be in love with two Darcys. However, if you’re waiting for a personal invitation to a highfalutin event, or a man who will take another man down while wearing a suit, it may be time to invest in a ticket to your present and put down the books that have characters named Darcy. Just a thought.

Bloodsucking Boyfriend

If you find yourself wanting your boyfriend to dig his teeth into your neck while he nuzzles you…you may need to come to terms with the fact that Edward Cullen is not real. Nor are vampires. And Twilight is for entertainment purposes only. Best not to give your girlfriends necklaces made of garlic in hopes of keeping all of the vampires to yourself. Garlic blocking is not cool, ladies. Not cool.

Mix tapes are out

Who didn’t love getting the ultimate mix tape from their beau in the ‘80s and ‘90s? Finding your ride or die now, who will bring along the tunes and be warm and fuzzy in the end, can be tricky. Nick O’Leary of Nick and Norah’s Infinite Playlist is a pipe dream for most women. Finding a guy to pretend to be your boyfriend for 5 minutes and be awesome at it? Fantasy. Go all in if yer gonna do it!

Holden-on for Hope

Some would say the coolest of coolest literary boyfriends is Holden Caulfield from Catcher in the Rye. He was rebellious and angsty and could have any goody-two-shoes girl wanting to break free from her chains. However, this was just a book. And breaking free of some chains to hang with a rebel might not always end in your favor, especially with social media. Stop Holden-on and move on.