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Here are more than one hundred news stories of high-school sweethearts, college hook-ups, dating disasters, weddings, divorces, and restraining orders. From “18-Year-Old Miraculously Finds Soulmate In Hometown” to “Couple Forgets 70th Wedding Anniversary,” these reports capture the heartbreak and hilarity of the human experience.

The Onion is America’s Finest News Source. It is the last bastion of unbiased, reliable, and definitive news in a world dominated by superficiality, mediocrity, and non-Onion news outlets. Since its founding back in 1988, The Onion has expanded into an omnipotent news empire reaching millions of fans through print, broadcast, radio, online, and mobile outlets. Today, The Onion misinforms more than 1.5 million readers in print and 7.5 million online each month.

Here are more than one hundred news stories of high-school sweethearts, college hook-ups, dating disasters, weddings, divorces, and restraining orders. From “18-Year-Old Miraculously Finds Soulmate In Hometown” to “Couple Forgets 70th Wedding Anniversary,” these reports capture the heartbreak and hilarity of the human experience.

The Onion is America’s Finest News Source. It is the last bastion of unbiased, reliable, and definitive news in a world dominated by superficiality, mediocrity, and non-Onion news outlets. Since its founding back in 1988, The Onion has expanded into an omnipotent news empire reaching millions of fans through print, broadcast, radio, online, and mobile outlets. Today, The Onion misinforms more than 1.5 million readers in print and 7.5 million online each month.

WIT AND WISDOM FROM A TO Z

With more than 3,000 quotations on everything from fashion and feminism to men, marriage, friendship, history, technology, sports, and more, this massive compilation proves once and for all that women know everything! Each page offers wisdom, wit, and inspiration from a host of legendary women—from Jane Austen and Colette to Madonna, Marilyn Monroe, Toni Morrison, Liz Phair, Ellen DeGeneres, and Naomi Klein. Here’s what they have to say about:

Success
“I still have my feet on the ground. I just wear better shoes.”
—Oprah Winfrey

Men and Women
“Remember, Ginger Rogers did everything Fred Astaire did, but backward and in high heels.”
—Faith Whittlesey

Being Single
“I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something’s wrong with me.”
—Elayne Boosler

Individuality
“Always be a first-rate version of yourself, instead of a second-rate version of somebody else.”
—Judy Garland

Family
“If you have only one smile in you, give it to the people you love. Don’t be surly at home, then go out in the street and start grinning ‘Good morning’ at total strangers.”
—Maya Angelou

Quotations
“I always have a quotation for everything—it saves original thinking.”
—Dorothy L. Sayers

With contributions from writers, artists, celebrities, politicians, scientists, and legendary figures all over the world, Women Know Everything! offers addictive reading—and a superb reference—for women of all ages.

Since March 2005, The Long-Distance Relationship Guide has taught thousands of readers how to survive and thrive in their long-distance romances. Now Caroline Tiger has updated her relationship bible with a new epilogue and vital information for far-flung partners everywhere. Drawing on advice from distance-challeneged couples the world over, Tiger offers indispensable tips on enduring the separation and keeping the romance alive. Topics include:

    * Spotting (and avoiding) “serial” long-distance daters
    * Negotiating travel arrangements
    * A hall of fame of romantic long-distance gestures

Complete with fun quizzes, checklists, and expert advice, this new edition of The Long-Distance Relationship Guide helps couples make the most of any far-reaching romance.

CAROLINE TIGER writes for Self, Men’s Health, Marie Claire, and Philadelphia Magazine. She is the author of How to Behave (Quirk, 2003) and How to Behave: Dating and Sex (Quirk, 2006) and lives in Philadelphia, where she survived an LDR that spanned two coasts.

When it comes to boyfriends, there’s a fine line between endearing quirks and severe personality disorders. Is he a pedophile or is he simply good with kids? How to Tell If Your Boyfriend Is the Antichrist teaches women to identify the warning signs associated with a spectrum of Mr. Wrongs, including:

• Cult leaders (”Does he have a problem with authority?”)
• Insufferable bores (”Does his dog wear a bandanna?”)
• Steroid addicts (”Do you admire his cleavage?”)
• Narcoleptics (”Is his face often soiled?”)
• Trekkies (”Does he lapse into Klingon during orgasm?”)

Best of all, this irreverent illustrated “guide” advises whether it’s best to hang onto these guys or to quickly and safely dump them. How to Tell If Your Boyfriend Is the Antichrist is a hilarious reference (and makes a super gift) for single girls with a sense of humor.

PATRICIA CARLIN is a writer and illustrator who lives in Ardmore, Pennsylvania.

Is it ever okay to “embellish” your dating profile? What’s the best way to deal with close-talkers? How can you handle a date who shows too much PDA? Discover the answers to these and other burning questions in Caroline Tiger’s guide to modern love, How to Behave: Dating and Sex. You’ll learn the proper etiquette for:

    * Ditching your date with aplomb
    * Accepting rejection gracefully
    * Avoiding scratchy stubble face-burn
    * Negotiating “ex sex”

With more than 60 scenarios that run the gamut from flirting to first date etiquette to sex, this refreshingly new take on social manners deals with the real-life etiquette questions everyone wonders about . . . but has been afraid to ask.

CAROLINE TIGER writes for Self, Ms., Salon, and Philadelphia Magazine. The author of How to Behave and The Long-Distance Relationship Guide, she lives in Philadelphia, where she both dishes out and takes her own good counsel.