Evil Humpty Dumpty Solves All Your Problems

Feel like you’re going to crack? About to have a great fall? Wish someone would tell you how to pick up the pieces? One man can help…but be careful. He’s not a good egg.

Dear Evil Humpty Dumpty,

My neighbors have two cars and they’re always parking one of them in front of my house. How can I politely get them to not take up my parking spot?

–Spotless

Dear Spotless,

This isn’t about parking spaces, my duck. It’s about people trying to knock you down, bring you to their level, in’t it? They are envious of your high place and oh, wouldn’t they like to see you fall from grace. But don’t you worry, love. I’ve already sent some lads around your neighborhood…a certain butcher, baker, and candlestick maker I know. They’ll give your neighbors the ol’ rub-a-dub-dub. Problem solved.

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Dear Evil Humpty Dumpty,

I’m thinking about asking my boss for a raise, but I’m not sure how to go about it. Any suggestions?

–Working Man

Dear Working Man,

Well, well, well, if it isn’t me old nemesis, Dr. Fell. Did you think I wouldn’t recognize you? Do you take me for a fool? Many have made that mistake, Doctor, and believe you me they’re all up the chimney like Eeper Peeper’s second wife.  I admit you rather got the better of me during the London Bridge incident. But remember what happened to Cock Robin. Oh, you feel like another go ’round the mulberry bush? Meet me on the road to St. Ives, old son, and we’ll see whose peck of pickled peppers gets picked this time.

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Dear Evil Humpty Dumpty,

There’s this new girl in my class I think she likes me, I like her but I don’t know how to ask her out should I text her?

–Lovelorn in Liverpool

Dear Lovelorn,

Here now, squire, no need to get out of sorts. Ol’ Humpty D will have you well fixed up in no time. Have yourself one of these apple tarts while you and I have a little chinwag about all this. Fresh-baked by the Queen of Hearts herself, they are. Nicked just this morning by a bloke who owes me a “favor.” Oh, what’s that now? Having trouble breathing are you? I’m afraid I may have tainted it with little of the ol’ Lavender Blue. Sure, I’ve got the antidote right here, Sunny Jim. But first, why don’t you tell me WHO SENT YOU? WAS IT GEORGIE PORGEY? TOM TOM THE PIPER’S SON? TALK, OR IT’S POP GOES THE WEASEL!

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Dear Evil Humpty Dumpty,

I’m just an ordinary piece of tableware who worked hard his whole life, and my only pleasure was to come home to my drawer at the end of the day and spend time with my spoon. We’ve been married for twenty years. But last night when I got home from the table, she was gone. Will she ever come back to me? What do I do? Sorry to bother you with this, but my neighbor Mr. Dish is out of town and I have no one else to talk to.

–Fork

Dear Fork,

I’m sorry mate, I have some bad news for you.

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