Ernest Hemingway Rewrites Book Summaries

Image by quentincompson49 from Pixabay

Sometimes book summaries are downright lengthy. And who has time for all of that? Like, just give us the necessary details and get on with the actual book.

Hemingway gets it. He's the King of Brevity, the Ruler of Simplicity, the Banisher of Adverbs. His signature terse style is iconic. Instead of hunting lions or seeing a bullfight, which we find to be unethical, we'll have Hemingway do what he does best–give it to us straight. 

Anne of Green Gables by L.M. Montgomery

It is a story of a girl. She is an orphan. She is adopted by a woman who does nothing and her brother who works the fields. This is admirable and worthy. The girl dreams of knights and ladies in boats. The ladies in the boats do not go fishing. This is a shame. She should dream of fish that are big and challenging and represent the struggle between man and nature.

Winnie-the-Pooh by A.A. Milne

This book is ridiculous. It is about a bear who talks. The bear is not killed by humans in a fight that is long and bloody. The bear is friends with a human boy instead. The boy must be weak and crazy. The bear disrupts the natural order of life. He talks to pigs. Both cannot speak. If they did speak, they should not talk to each other. One belongs on a farm, and the other belongs in the woods. This book is simply not true.

Lord of the Rings by J.R.R. Tolkien

This book is good and admirable. The men fight against evil. The elves also fight against evil. Even though the Hobbits are small, they fight against evil. There are large battles where people and other creatures are courageous. The mythology of the story is not true, but its message is. Men must be brave and strong against moral evil. Even if that means leaving your home and everything you love. You must make sacrifices to achieve victory. Even if that means sacrificing a finger or another part of your body.

Eloise by Kay Thompson

I hate this book. The girl is obnoxious. The illustrations have too much pink. Pink is not a better way of life. Where is her mother? She is not in Spain watching the bullfights or on a safari in Africa. She is in Paris for the purpose of meaningless clothes. Paris is for expatriates writing books or doomed love affairs. It is not a place to go to abandon your child. Your child will only make messes. Life is a mess as it is. Girls in big bows do not need to add to the mess.

Pride and Prejudice and Zombies by Seth Grahame-Smith and Jane Austen

This is a story about women and men who fight zombies. They are courageous and strong. The battle scenes are good. The romance is terrible. Nobody enjoys two arrogant people falling in love. People want to read about the death of the undead.