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He’s not supposed to rise from the sunken city of R’lyeh until the stars are properly aligned. But ever since “Call of Cthulhu” debuted in Weird Tales magazine 85 years ago this month, Lovecraft’s famous horror icon has certainly kept his tentacled face in the public eye. Trying to catalog all of the Dread One’s appearances would likely destroy your soul and your sanity. But in honor of his 85 years of literate existence, here are ten notable sightings of Cthulhu and his fellow things-that-should-not-exist.

You know how kids are big bundles of joy all the time? No?

Ever want to smack a kid for a smart mouth? Yes?

Hold on now, I’m not condoning violence, but sometimes certain maddening little back-talkers drive you crazy to the point where such things don’t seem out of the realm of extreme possibility. Ok, let’s move away from those problematic thoughts and think of better, more constructive ways to deal with a difficult child. After all, kids will be kids, as they say, and kids are notorious for finding new ways to step over the line. Adults, take a look at The Worst-Case Scenario Survival Guide: Parenting and use these tips to find new ways to deal with your smart aleck.

I – along with half the nation, it seems – am sick. I’ve quarantined myself with a pile of books, whiskey, and tissues, indulging in Oh-My-God-It’s-Really-The-Apocalypse theories (which now come with Extra Fever!). Seriously – the CDC says 2013 is shaping up to be the worst flu season ever, viruses replicate at record speed, and vaccine-less danger lurks inside every dented canned good (yes, I’m still so afraid of botulism that I won’t even touch a damaged can at the grocery store).

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Chocolate. One of the most beloved flavors in the world. It is wonderful on its own but when the time comes for desserts to become more complex and combinations start to fill the minds of chocolatiers, there is one companion which tops all others.

Its name is mint.

When speaking of mint and chocolate, one of the first things that comes to mind is the ever famous mint chocolate chip ice cream. A wonderful treat for a warm summer day, a scoop of mint chocolate chip becomes a momentary respite from the oppressive heat of the beating sun. It is true that the allure of ice cream is hard to deny, but the power of mint and chocolate does not end there.

So many different versions of chocolate and mint abound that it is almost impossible to discuss them all. The Dutch mint holds a special place for some with its thin candy coating, soft chocolate layer and mint center. Others tout the pros of a mint chocolate brownie. Then there is the Frankenstein’s Monster from See’s Candy known as the Marshmint. This treat is a delicious affront to nature, a perfect example of candy eugenics. A square chocolate cup which contains a marshmallow center and is topped with a mint jelly. So powerful is the Marshmint that it is not carried in stores. It can only be special ordered because the other candy cannot defend itself against the Marshmint’s minty power.

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There is but one more mint and chocolate treat which must be discussed. A dessert which comes but once a year, peddled by the most insidious of pushers. They seem so innocent knocking on the doors of their neighbor’s homes and standing outside the local grocery store, but we all know the evil that comes carried in the dainty hands of the local girl scouts. The Thin Mint, a cookie so delicious, so enticing that it is impossible to decline. The Thin Mint cookie accounts for 25% of all Girl Scout cookie sales. It is not uncommon to find people hoarding the little green boxes, hiding cookies from friends and family alike. If it were not for the fact that Thin Mints are only sold for a brief period of time each year, many American’s would need a twelve step program to stop consuming them.

The only way to make it past Thin Mint withdrawal is to keep repeating, ‘It’s just a cookie. It’s just a cookie.”

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This Friday, an asteroid is headed for earth. Seriously.

Armageddon it ain’t. Definitely not Deep Impact either. And no, we haven’t confused The Last Policeman with reality–the catastrophically ginormous Asteroid 2011GV1 that looms over Detective Hank Palace as he investigates a suspicious suicide is still pure (awesome) fiction.

But there’s still another rock out there, and it’s coming for us…kinda.

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If you need help trying to forget the Jerri Blank years (but why would you?), you might want grab a copy of Simple Times: Crafts for Poor People by Amy Sedaris. Even though cracking open this book of activities is like opening a door to a haunted dollhouse, there’s no denying the charm in her well, quirky outfits.

A peculiar mix between a 1960’s kindergarten teacher and an overzealous but failing Stepford wife, the retro patterns and exaggerated cuts actually make for sweet play clothes. If you’ve got a funny girl in the family, check out this DIY ensemble.