What If Les Miserables Was A DnD Game?
DM: You sure you want to play a Lawful Good character? You usually play more ruthless guys.
JAVERT: No, it’s cool. I want to stretch myself.
DM: Okay, it’s in the prison that you meet Jean Valjean, who was arrested for stealing a loaf of bread.
JEAN: Hi, there.
JAVERT: Don’t talk to me, you filthy degenerate thief! What’s his prison number?
DM: What? Why?
JAVERT: It’s really important to me that I know his prison number.
JEAN: Um, okay. It’s…uh…"24601."
JAVERT: What did I just say about opening your thieving mouth?!?!
***
DM: Okay, the bishop offers you food and shelter. Roll your wisdom to think of a good way to pay him back for his kindness.
JEAN: I rolled a 1.
DM: You rob the old man blind.
***
FANTENE: I don’t really like my character.
DM: What’s wrong with her?
FANTENE: Well, she was fine until you had her fired, sold all her belongings, had her teeth ripped out and forced into a life of prostitution…you know, maybe it’s not the character. Maybe it’s this game I don’t like.
DM: We can still do something cool with her.
FANTENE: You do whatever you want. I’m gonna go play Overwatch.
***
DM: Okay, Jean, you can try to lift that cart if you want, but that’s going to be a heck of a strength check.
JEAN: Natural 20!
JAVERT: I recognize Jean due to his incredible strength!
DM: That is…next to impossible. Role your Investigation skill.
JAVERT: Natural 20!
DM: What is with these dice?
JAVERT: I arrest Jean immediately.
DM: You can’t do that.
JAVERT: Sure I can, I’m the police.
DM: You sure you’re playing Lawful Good?
JAVERT: Okay, okay. I go to his place of work to see if I can find evidence of his criminal nature.
JEAN: I’m going to bluff him.
DM: Okay, roll your Deception skill.
JEAN: Uh…a 2.
DM: You invite him in.
***
JAVERT: Hey, what’s with those innkeeper NPCs you keep bringing in?
DM: The Thénardiers? They’re fun! Don’t you think they’re fun?
JAVERT: They’re not as fun as you think they are.
DM: Jean thinks they’re fun.
JEAN: Not really.
DM: Okay, okay, fine. They’re just in, like, three or four more scenes. No big deal.
***
DM: Some of the student protestors have formed a barricade.
JAVERT: I convince them I am one of them.
DM: What? You’re like, a middle-aged man. These are a bunch of kids.
JAVERT: So?
DM: Fine, roll your Deception.
JAVERT: Natural 20!
DM: I really need to look at your dice.
***
JAVERT: Finally, I have you, you thieving scoundrel! No one gets away with stealing bread on my watch.
DM: This really isn’t Lawful Good behavior.
JEAN: I convince Javert to give me an hour, so I can find a doctor for Marius.
DM: Okay, let’s have this be a contest. Your Charisma vs. Javert’s Wisdom.
JAVERT: I rolled a 14.
JEAN: I got a 12…
JAVERT: AHA! Your pleas fall on deaf ears, thieving scum!!!
JEAN: …plus my modifier is…16.
JAVERT: …
DM: That’s a success.
JAVERT: …
DM: Javert? Buddy?
JAVERT: …Whatever. This game is stupid. And you’re stupid. And I’m leaving.
DM: So…I guess Javert jumps off a bridge and drowns?
Jadzia Axelrod
Jadzia Axelrod is an author, an illustrator, and a world changer. Throughout her eventful life she has also been a circus performer, a puppeteer, a graphic designer, a sculptor, a costume designer, a podcaster and quite a few other things that she’s lost track of but will no doubt remember when the situation calls for it.She is the writer and producer of “The Voice Of Free Planet X” podcast, were she interviews stranded time-travelers, low-rent superheroes, unrepentant monsters and other such creature of sci-fi and fantasy, as well as the podcasts “Aliens You Will Meet” and “Fables Of The Flying City.” The story started in “Fables Of The Flying City” is concluded in The Battle Of Blood & Ink, a graphic novel published by Tor.She is not domestic, she is a luxury, and in that sense, necessary.
