The Tale of Four Chrises

Once upon a time, in a land far, far away – or not that far, really, depending on where you live – there lived four men named Chris. All were fair of skin and blessed with great charm, and together they ruled their Town of Tinsel with a benevolent hand (and well-muscled arms), and were greatly adored by all who beheld them.

One day, a magical trickster arrived in the Town of Tinsel, and said to himself, “I shall cast a spell to disrupt the gentle balance of this town, by throwing the Four Chrises into disarray.” Once the spell was cast, each of the Four Chrises found themselves inhabiting roles that did not belong to them, and darkness fell upon the land.

Thus follows the tale of that strange and trying time.

Thor, starring Chris Pine as Thor 

Thor goes to Jotunheim, accompanied by Sif, Loki, and the Warriors Three, who fight the battle with the Frost Giants largely without his help, as he has gotten tangled in his cape. As punishment for this ill-conceived quest, Odin exiles Thor to Earth, where he meets Jane Foster, who is decidedly unimpressed when he smashes his coffee mug on a diner floor, as he has no accent to make this act seem charming. Loki sends the Destroyer to Earth to kill Thor, and Thor attempts to punch it. It hurts his hand, which he shakes while gritting his teeth and going “Ahhhh.” The Destroyer smacks Thor, who exclaims, “Wow, that hurt,” before losing consciousness. Thor is then deemed worthy of Mjolnir, which enables him to return to Asgard, defeat Loki, and destroy the Bifrost Bridge, although instead of that taking half a dozen or so good whacks with his hammer, it takes closer to thirty, due to his more human-sized muscles.

Jurassic World, starring Chris Hemsworth as Owen

When the Indominus rex escapes its paddock, instead of hiding, Owen grabs it by the tail and wrestles it to the ground. Owen locates the kids in the gyrosphere, picks it up like a beach ball, and hurls it to safety. Claire never turns down Owen for a second date, and he gently reminds her that she keeps sensible footwear in her office, because of course she would, and of course he would know this. Although the Indominus is already back in its pen, the pterosaurs somehow escape anyway. Owen seizes one and rides on its back, saving Claire’s poor assistant before she can get eaten, and then flies toward the Mosasaurus as it leaps out of the water. Shaking a finger back and forth, Owen says, “I wouldn’t do that if I were you,” and the Mosasaurus considers its actions and retreats back under the water. Also, at some point, Owen punches a Velociraptor in the face. Everyone is safe, and Owen is named King of Jurassic World.

Captain America: The First Avenger, starring Chris Pratt as Steve Rogers

Steve is rejected for the army, and he’s like, “Whatever, bro.” Erskine offers to allow him to enlist anyway if he will partake in his super-soldier experiment, which Steve thinks sounds cool. He winks at Peggy, but Peggy is not feeling it. After receiving the super-soldier serum, Steve begins challenging everyone he meets to punch him in the stomach as hard as they can. Bucky gladly takes him up on this. Steve gets carried away with his role punching Hitler in a touring show, so Peggy Carter singlehandedly rescues, then goes on to lead, the Howling Commandos. Steve still somehow winds up on Schmidt’s plane, but as he goes into the ice, he asks Peggy, “NOW will you go out with me?” And she responds, “Dude, I told you no.”

Star Trek, starring Chris Evans as James T. Kirk

When Jim Kirk offers to buy Uhura a drink in the bar, she readily agrees. When the cadet accompanying her challenges him to a fight, he diffuses the situation with calm understanding. Later, in Star Fleet Academy, when Kirk beats the Kobayashi Maru simulation, Spock is impressed. No one suspects cheating. Pike requests Kirk for the Enterprise, and when the Narada attacks, he puts Kirk in charge. Spock is, understandably, fine with this. They work together smoothly and Kirk is never marooned on Delta Vega to find Old Spock. The rescue mission for Pike goes as planned, and the movie is an hour shorter due to Kirk’s insistence on getting along with every member of the crew