Advice from Fictional Millionaires

[Movie till from The Great Gatsby 2013, Warner Bros.]

Tomorrow is Be a Millionaire Day. Strange holiday, but hey, it gives these fictional millionaires a chance to pass on some of their wisdom to you. It’s up to you to decide if it’s advice worth following.

[Movie still from Annie 1982, Columbia Pictures]

Daddy Warbucks from Little Orphan Annie by Harold Gray

It may not seem like a good idea at first, but take in an orphan for the holidays. Despite your initial annoyance, she will steal your heart and become like a daughter to you. If she wants to find her parents, don’t put out a big reward for information on them. It will only attract frauds and crooks. (Side note: don’t trust people named Rooster.) Finally, always go for your assistant. She’s probably a better person than you are, so it’s a total win-win.

[Movie till from The Great Gatsby 2013, Warner Bros.]

Jay Gatsby from The Great Gatsby by F. Scott Fitzgerald

If you want to get the girl, buy a lot of nice shirts and throw amazing parties. If you throw enough of them and they’re fancy enough, you won’t have to spend money on invitations. People will show up uninvited (which is great for impressing her). If you feel like you’re about to fall into despair, just look at the green light, old sport. Be careful when you’re driving and swimming in your pool. Both can be deadly.

[Movie still from The Dark Knight, Warner Bros. and DC Comics]

Bruce Wayne from Batman by Bob Kane and Bill Finger

When you have a lot of money, you might as well use it for good—especially if your parents were killed in a super traumatic fashion. Funnel your funds into some badass technology, and hire a great butler to help you manage it all. Avoid penguins, poison ivy, clowns, and, well . . . just avoid anyone in a costume, okay? However, this should not stop you from getting your own threads. You do need to hide your identity, after all. I recommend something inspired by a bat. But don’t dress up as a bat. I already claimed that.

[Movie still from The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug, New Line Cinema and MGM]

Smaug from The Hobbit by J.R.R. Tolkien

Guard your gold. Avoid short men who want your gold. If you suspect someone of stealing a goblet, even if you can’t see them, they probably did. Guard the bare patches on your body from arrows.

[Movie still from Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory, Paramount Pictures]

Willy Wonka from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory by Roald Dahl

If you want to make a lot of money, go into something that everyone loves: chocolate. When you’re ready to retire, have a contest for a child to win your factory by putting golden tickets into your product. (Make sure they are large enough so they are not a choking hazard.) As part of the contest, have horrible punishments if the kids don’t listen to you, such as having them turn into giant pieces of fruit. This will not only eliminate part of the competition, but it will be hilarious. Be careful if you hire Oompa-Loompas though; their unions are intense.